Do you see that reflection in the window?
Hello. My name is Pono and I want to be a skinnyaire. As I walked past the many shops that make up our smaller strip malls, I can’t help but notice a large man to my right walking alongside me. With the left side of my body toward the street and this large man to my right with the store fronts to his right, I can’t help but notice how big he is. Is this dude sizing me up? Does he know me or is he just lolligagging next to me, oblivious of the fact that I, along with him, are two giants walking side by side down the sidewalk. I mean, I am 6’5 and am currently under construction and one of the newest members of the Iwannabeaskinnyaire club………geesh! So, I finally make the conscious decision to look to my right and see who this big man is. One, two, three! Oh! Its my reflection! And the sheepish feelings seep in and the Oh-my-gosh I’m a dork thought starts running circles in my mind. But, this whole scenario made me look at my reflection. The one thing I can’t stand to look at! It sounds dumb, but its true. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. Even though I am feeling better about myself and even though I am losing the weight and even though I am eating sooooooo much better than before I hate looking at my reflection. It is my present reminder of how far gone I let myself go. It is my harsh reality. It may be my reality but it doesn’t mean I have to like it or accept it. I am changing my present to a better future me and I’ll look when I feel I look “normal” enough and “healthy” enough. I can look at myself in my bathroom mirror, but not at a window or mirror that shows my whole body. It just doesn’t work for me. I even hate taking pictures of myself. I don’t have that many pics of me because I do not like my image. I guess I just have a hard time with myself and my image that I am right now. These are things that are slowly changing along with my diet and exercise. I am making lifestyle changes, therefore I am making ALL lifestyle changes including my mentality, my emotions, my humor and so on. I am changing everything for the better. These issues, these psychological issues and emotional issues can be just as damaging, and maybe more so than just my physical issues if I do not tend to them and work on them as well. I want to look in the mirror now and not later and accept me for me. I want to be able to look at myself now and not have those negative thoughts anymore. Everytime I catch myself seeing my reflection I just gasp and roll my eyes and start talking a lot of crap to myself. No more. My next goal is to be kind to myself. I can be kind to others, but to myself is so much more difficult. Like my friend always said in Texas, “Stop treatin yurself like a red-headed stepchild and give yurself a lil luvin”! I would have to second the motion.